Friday, August 1, 2008

Part I ΦΩΣ

Prologue

It had come every night this week. Victor noted this as he checked his flashlights. The yellow beams were noticeably dimmer than they had been. He would have to remember to get new batteries somehow. He didn't have much money in his penny bank so he would have to come up with a reason his dad would have to buy some. He could just steal some out of his dad's toolbox but that would be the last resort. He'd rather fight this thing in the dark than get caught stealing from his dad. Victor was also tired, very tired. His night vigils were taking their toll. He set that thought aside as he rubbed his eyes trying to focus on the job at hand. He needed to be alert and ready.
" I wanna help." Albert sat up in his bed. He was excited. Victor was scared. He had never let Albert see it.
" No. You gotta stay under your covers."
Victor checked the flashlights one last time and tossed one of them over to his little brother. Albert looked disappointed as he took up the light and played with it, turning it on and off, shining it on random objects about their bedroom.
" Stop that! You'll waist the batteries." Victor was getting annoyed. Albert didn't understand that Victor was trying to protect him. Usually Victor was trying to avoid his eight year old brother. Albert was good at two things, getting himself out of trouble and getting others into it. Also it was hard making friends in a new place with your younger brother tagging along with you everywhere. After all, an eleven year olds life is so much more sophisticated.
It was sometimes hard for Victor to sleep in their new apartment. They had a house in Pennsylvania. St. Louis was nice but the sounds of the city kept him awake at night. Their first night in the apartment he was sure he had heard a woman scream. His mother said he had imagined it and that if he wasn't up so late reading maybe he wouldn't be hearing things. She didn't like him reading late but some nights when sleep escaped him it was better than just staring up at the ceiling and listening.
Last Thursday, Victor couldn't sleep. He was reading a Hardy Boys novel by flashlight under the covers so as not to wake Albert. It was very late. Victor's eyes were blurring which he took as a sign to quit reading and go to sleep. He must have been especially tired because he forgot to turn the flashlight off before he flipped back the covers. The room was suddenly illuminated. At first Victor panicked when he thought that he might wake Albert but that fear was quickly set aside for another when the flashlight beam came across a large dark shape over Albert's bed that suddenly disappeared. As it did Victor was sure it hissed at him.
"Get under your covers now Albert. I mean it."
"But I want to..."
"No!" Victor picked up a book off his night stand and threw it hard at Albert. "Get under your stupid covers!"
Albert made face at his brother."I'm telling mom tomorrow."
"Tell her what."
"That you threw a book at me."
"Yah? Then I'll tell her that you were really the one who broke the window at Gene's."
Albert guiltily shifted under his covers.
"Now get under the covers, turn your flashlight on and go to sleep."
Albert indignantly lay down and flipped the covers over his head. Victor focused his attention back on the task at hand, keeping watch for the monster. It seemed to appear from the toy box at the far end of the room. Several of the past few nights he had noticed eyes looking out at him from under the lid. Victor trained his flashlight beam on the box and waited.
"It's too hot under there and I can't sleep with the light on." Victor jumped out his skin as Alfred threw back his covers.
"Get back under those covers!" Victor threw at Alfred the one thing handy at the time which happened to be his flashlight. It bounced off the bed and landed on the floor sputtering to darkness. Victor jumped out of bed and ran ran to his flashlight.
"Look what you made me do you retard!" Victor pounded, slapped and shook his flashlight until it flicked to life once again. Victor got back in bed and glared at Albert. Albert retreated back under his covers. "Sorry." He said as his head slid beneath the safety of his space man blanket. Victor sat on his bed shaking. He realized what foolish thing he had just done. The monster could be any where. It could have been waiting for an opportunity just like that. He promised himself that he would be more careful for both of them.
It seemed like time was crawling. The cowboy clock by his bed said it was only 11:22 PM. It was going to be a long night. He made a passing sweep of the room with the flashlight settling on the toy box for a moment. Victor looked back at the clock. 11:23. He must stay vigilant. He must stay alert. Victor closed his eyes for a moment. No! He shook himself awake and made another search around the room with his light. He looked over at Albert. He couldn't tell if he was asleep or not but Albert had been quiet for a while so Victor assumed former. A part of him wished he wasn't for suddenly he felt very alone. Maybe Albert could help him keep watch, help keep him awake. Victor was very tired and he knew he couldn't keep this up for much longer. They had to find a way to get rid of it. Not just hold it at bay but to be done with the thing for good. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would take the toy box apart and find where it was hiding and kill it. But tonight he must stay vigilant. He must stay alert. Victor closed his eyes for a moment. His flashlight flickered softly and the room was cloaked in darkness...

1 comments:

Jacob S. Heiss said...

O.k., this one treated me like a flirt: Draws you in with charm but then acts disinterested once you've come close.

What works: the basic arc, interplay between the brothers, devices to cause the reader to feel Victor's fatigue, e.g. "tired, oh so tired," "must stay awake," etc.

What doesn't: 1) Lots of accidental repetition from the very beginning, e.g. "Victor NOTED this as he checked his flashlights. The yellow beams were NOTICEABLY dimmer than they had been." 2) Awkward time jumps; if you want to describe something vividly, you'll have to stick close to the present tense; you can accomplish then when speaking about the past by using flashback language, e.g. "Victor remembered last week. It had been cold. He felt alone, but then he noticed something stirring amidst the pile of comic books" -- that's improper grammar (I should have used perfects the whole time, e.g. "It had been cold. He had felt alone," etc.) but it works. 3) Lack of short, exact verbs and picturable moves, e.g. "hurled" versus "threw it hard" or "Albert guiltily shifted under his covers" (what does that look like?).

Finally, are you sure you want to say this thing is a monster already? Why not suspend the matter a bit so we wonder why Victor is so convinced that he's in trouble?